Things That Aren't My Problem Rogue Version
by Influence
Summary: Chaos erupts at a New Republic base, and Rogue Squadron is in the middle of it.


**The characters (except for Kari and Serozia) don't belong to me.**

Things That Are Not My Problem List Rogue Version

1) Wes Janson bouncing up and down the hallways late at night.

Kari groaned and shoved the pillow over her head as Wes bounced by, singing 'Dancing in the Moonlight'.

2) The caf machine in the officer's mess malfunctioning.

Antilles glared at the cadets, who were all looking very innocent.

3) Cmdr. Antilles wandering around the base naked singing 'Barbie Girl' at the top of his lungs.

Dr. Maris pinched the arm of the cadet. There was no response, except for a blink. He sighed and looked to his second patient, and then resolved to get some earplugs.

4) The salt and pepper being replaced with various illicit drugs.

It turned out that some people had funny reactions to the drugs, which caused them to hallucinate an Imp attack.

The repair crews were not impressed, and Wes Janson was in big trouble.

5) Kettch turning up in the flight simulator.

After the fifth time, Kari was starting to look longingly at the rocket launchers...

6) Kettch turning up anywhere other than my quarters.

Another cadet that Wes had a crush on found Kettch in her quarters. And she just happened to be VERY good at throwing things, such as plates, knives, pots, blasters, Ewok dolls...

7) Drunken officers asking me the way to the nearest merry-go-round.

Kari stared at Klivian blankly, then walked away.

8) What I'm eating. Not moving = fine.

According to several sources, Imperial food was worse.

9) Any officer asking me to come to a briefing room with an innocent smile on their face.

Janson ended up in the medbay for the second time in as many days when he pulled a prank on Kari.

She sighed, then began to reiterate the events leading up to the beating in front of Rogue Squadron.

10) Klivian's pessimistic remarks.

Serozia, a fellow cadet, had finally snapped when Klivian said something pessimistic about the cadet's flying skills.

11) Fixing anything Wes Janson has wrecked.

Kari stared at the garbage chute, which made strange gargling noises until Wes turned around and kicked it.

12) Fixing anything any Rogue has wrecked (for they happen to be very thorough in wrecking things).

The garbage chute was even more stuffed now. The Rogues had tried to 'fix' it themselves, and the repair crews were now pissed at the whole squadron.

13) Antilles calling me on my comlink when I have the day off.

Waking Kari up at six o'clock really was not a good idea, and Antilles didn't appreciate the comments she threw at him.

14) Anybody asking me my opinion on their looks/clothes/weight.

Corran Horn was now sporting a black eye... and sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.

15) Being asked to press a button (especially when Janson's the one asking).

It turned out that General Cracken really hated fire extinguishers, and promptly went mental after several sprayed him with foam.

16) Somebody needing protection from Antilles' anger/Janson's revenge prank/the wrath of one of the women.

Alban knocked at Kari's door and said, "I need your help."

She slammed the door in his face, not wanting to attract more trouble than she could handle, like Serozia, or Theri, or... there were so many examples.

17) Antilles saying I need a volunteer for 'some suicidal task' .

Kari did not like being forced into stealing cookies from the kitchen for her CO and told the kitchen staff...

18) Two stormtroopers arguing whether 'algae' is a colour.

The encounter went something like this:

TK (stormtrooper): My wife's decided on the colour algae for our new rug.  
BG (stormtrooper): I thought algae was a sort of watery mold thing, not a colour.  
TK: No, it's a greeny-blue colour.  
BG: Nah, I grew up on Dagobah, and I'm pretty vapin' sure that algae is a plant.  
TK: I'm telling you, it's a colour.  
BG: Bantha's breath.  
TK: Shush. Officer approaching. (The officer walks by, not sparing a glance for them)  
Antilles and Mance are lying on the ledge above them, trying not to laugh as the ridiculous conversation continues.  
TK: Colour.  
BG: Plant.  
TK: Colour!  
BG: Plant!  
TK: I am not having this argument with you.  
BG: PLANT!  
Mance: He's right, you know. Algae's a plant.  
Antilles: No, it's a colour. I'm Corellian, I'm always right.  
Mance: No, I'm female, I'M always right.  
TK: See, even the Rebels can't agree on whether algae's a plant or colour.  
Both stormtroopers suddenly stiffen as TK's words make sense. BG: Rebels?  
They look up into the muzzles of two blasters...

19) People looking for volunteers. For anything, actually.

Serozia wasn't going to get any help moving her stuff, that was for sure.

20) My CO's hair, looks, or clothing.

In the bar, Serozia and Kari's conversation turned to discussing their CO. Unfortunately, he was sitting right behind them, and was somewhat pleased when they agreed that he was handsome...

21) Somebody discoursing on whether or not '42' is the Answer.

Kari had been reading far too many Douglas Adams books.

22) Somebody else wondering what the question is.

She felt a tap on her shoulder, and turned around to find Wedge looking at her curiously. "What's the question?" Kari gave him a glare, but he seemed unaffected.

23) The color of someone's laundry.

Klivian was not happy when he ended up with pink pyjamas instead of his black ones.

24) Psychology appointments (we're here and not running around naked = sane).

Wedge dragged Kari into the psychologist's office for the fourth time that week.

25) People claiming they are the King/Queen of whatever. Security can deal with that.

Serozia and Wes got drunk.

26) Mission reports.

"Do I have to?" Kari whined.

27) Some drunk person asking if they can jump out the window.

Tycho Celchu wanted to fly so much that he was willing to jump...

28) Some dumbass waking me up at 3am for an 'important security patrol'.

Commander Antilles was now sporting a rather impressive black eye.

29) Other people's lost loves, exes, etc.

Nobody really needed to know who Wes had managed to seduce a year ago.

30) Other people current lover/s.

Just as no one really cared who got into bed with him this week.

31) Anybody's love life.

Antilles was not pleased that his love life was up for discussion by everyone on base. And he got really scared when most of the single women started trying to do him favours: doing his washing, cooking for him, gathering around him in briefings...

The other men were getting jealous, and Wedge had to do some quick talking.

32) Klivian's bad feelings about missions/life in general.

The cadets were sick of Klivian's pessimism, and decided to lock him in a room with nothing to do but watch a kid's show.

Fourteen hours later, he was rocking back and forth, and the cadets had to come up with REALLY good excuses to supplicate Wes, whose breathing suddenly sounded like a freight train...

33) Cooking for the squadron (for they can make their own food).

Wedge glared at Kari, who looked very sheepish and put her blaster down, trying not to look at the destroyed kitchen droids.

34) Antilles not knowing where he is.

The commander got turned around in the dark lower levels of the base. They found him ten hours later, trying to smash a air vent open.

Nobody could figure out what he had been doing down there.

35) Somebody's kids needing a babysitter.

As all of the other Rogues had refused, poor Leia had to leave her kids in Janson's care.

36) A civilian asking if they can borrow a blaster.

The Chief of State was not happy when she saw her kids after the meeting. Kari gleefully obliged, then filmed the whole thing.

Including the part where Wes got down on his knees and begged Leia not to kill him.

37) Diplomats visiting. From anywhere.

The Nuadhu delegates needed guides. Kari wasn't going to be one, no matter what Antilles said or did. She eventually got him to shut up by bribing him with the holo of Leia trying to kill Wes.

38) The warm water service being cut off from one/more of the officer's quarters.

The repair crews finally had their revenge on the Rogues.

39) Fixing the caf machines. Or the water pipes.

Wedge Antilles: You've got a degree in engineering, don't you? Fix the water pipes.  
Kari Mance: One, I have a degree in ASTROPHYSICS. Two, you fix the kriffin' water pipes.  
Wedge: Language! How about you fix the caf machine instead? I'll give you chocolate.  
Kari: I am not five years old, and cannot be bribed that way. You're the one with the caf addiction, and I'm pretty sure you'll fix the damn thing yourself when you get desperate enough.  
Kari: Wait... what kind of chocolate?

40) Searching for a 40-year-old file for my CO (for it will not exist).

Kari was not happy, especially when Wedge laughed at her.

41) People ordering me to jump back to my quarters on one leg.

Such was her 'punishment' for punching a officer. She walked back, ignoring Celchu's orders to the contrary.

42) Antilles asking me what 'Barbie Girl' is and where he can find a copy.

Apparently, Wedge couldn't remember the words...

43) Luke Skywalker's lightsaber vanishing.

Master Skywalker had popped by for a visit, and his lightsaber promptly went walk-abouts.

44) Janson with Skywalker's lightsaber.

Kari groaned. She could just feel trouble on the horizon...

45) Mysterious lightsaber cuts on the walls.

Skywalker was about to go Sith on the entire base.

46) Somebody's dreams, bad or not.

Wes had been having really bad dreams after Skywalker dangled him upside down from the ceiling for three hours.

47) The Wraith vs Rogue squadron prank war.

Serozia had gotten involved accidently, and now couldn't step outside her quarters. The Wraiths had installed an autofiring ceiling-mounted turret that fired cream pies at her whenever she poked her head out.

48) Other people's revenge plans.

Kari was sick and tired of the turret, so she pulled it down and placed it outside Wedge's quarters. Then he got annoyed, so he put it outside Kari's room. Then Wes pissed her off, so he was the next victim. And then he moved it to Klivian's room. Then Klivian made the mistake of putting it near Cracken's quarters.

The turret ran out of ammo and mysteriously vanished.

49) Strange-looking machinery. That's what technicians are for.

Five hours later, they knew what had happened to the turret: General Cracken had smashed the thing into bits.

It explained the self-satisfied expression on his face.

50) Fireworks in the hangar.

One exploded near Kari's X-wing. Wes started running.

51) Fireworks in the hangar when a General or another VIP visits.

General Cracken was NOT happy, and had begun to stalk towards Wes with a murderous look on his face.

52) Dancing contests. Even informal ones.

Antilles challenged Kari to a dance contest. She refused, citing the fact that there would probably be a holovid made of her, and he didn't want to explain why a cadet had massacred his squadron and half of the base.

53) Superior officers whining about dress uniforms.

Klivian began whining about the uniform. He packed it in after Serozia threatened to dye him pink.

54) Officers acting like hyperactive five-year-olds.

Kari tried to block out Janson's singing.

55) People trying to walk through walls.

Kari and Serozia found Klivian trying to walk through walls and failing. Multiple times.

56) People succeeding in walking through walls.

Wedge was in shock after seeing Anakin Skywalker's Force ghost.

57) My CO asking me if I can see the purple banthas.

Apparently there were still some lingering effects from the shock.

58) Plants/animals I know nothing about.

What the hell is a loofah?

59) Pen wars. Actually, any war except for the 'real' one.

Janson had found a way to bring his immaturity to new heights, and the medics were threatening to kill him.

60) Imperial clones. Especially mine.

Everyone was somewhat less than impressed when the Imps tried to replace Wedge.

61) Any betting pools, especially Janson's.

Kari and Wedge found out that Wes had a betting pool on the two of them hooking up, and it was quite profitable. Soon afterwards, Wes was trying not to scream in agony.

62) Mandatory flight simulator training, at night.

Poor Tycho couldn't get anyone to turn up for training at nine in the evening.

63) My CO losing his pants/shirt/other-vital-pieces-of-clothing.

The base was amused when Wedge turned up outside Kari's quarters, without pants. The rumour mill stopped after the first couple of casualties.

64) People smiling innocently and asking me strange questions.

Kari really didn't want to know why Serozia wanted to make gunpowder.

65) People debating whether tea is better than caf.

Skywalker got run off the base by an angry mob... and his father.

66) The posters of various nearly naked officers that keep turning up in the briefing room.

Wedge's face turned a beet red after he saw the latest one.

Tycho, Klivian and Kari were also not impressed. Or amused. Tycho and Klivian's anger could be explained by their posters, but Kari's stemmed from what was written on Wedge's.

She was not 'his sweetheart', and they both made this perfectly clear to the rest of the base when Kari tried her best to kill Wes.

67) Klivian and Janson causing a tremendous mess with weapons pilfered from the armoury.

The mess hall was now in ruins, and Serozia of all people had screamed herself hoarse and sent them to their rooms.

Their excuse 'but it's the MESS hall' do not go over well, and they were forced to go into hiding after they received death threats from over half of the base personnel. That, and General Cracken had started walking around with a flamethrower.

Things That Are My Problem List - Rogue Version

1) The war against the Empire.

2) All non-ridiculous orders given to me by my CO.

3) Keeping my friends alive.

4) What Antilles thinks of my other list.


End file.
